“Down, lost, empty and trapped”. These are words that come to mind and how I have felt for the last few months. What used to give me pleasure and motivation disappeared. But how did I get to that position? The down, the depression comes after the chaos. Perhaps I brought this storm onto myself.
Retracing my steps before this happened I was looking for excitement and change. I had new experiences, a new relationship but yet I became more complacent than ever. These experiences were beautiful, but if it becomes the source of your inner fulfilment you will ultimately pay the price when it comes to an end.
I took for granted the things I did for myself that kept me centred. I’m admittedly a sensitive person with an erratic mind. I’m also a structured person who needs routine. People see this as a bad thing, but working on my mental health takes effort and commitment.
For me this relates to the calmness of the mind and the expression of the body; meditation, music and exercise. When you have this routine you create momentum, and everything in life seems easier. It’s easier to be more social, productive and provides you will that sense of inner bliss. You’re in the groove, you have passion and direction. When I abandoned these for external pleasures I lost my sense of self.
Now I have somewhat retreated to get back into this routine. But isolation from the world isn’t a long term solution. This is the time to rejuvenate and cultivate my own inner warmth. The time will come where I step back into the world. Not with my hands out pleading for external validation, but rather with my hands out with something of value to offer.